Dear Reader,
I apologize for taking so long to write. The school year got a bit busy and I have been giving myself time to mull over some pretty controversial topics and to take a journey of sorts to find Truth and where I am going to stand amidst the mess of this world and in the heated political climate we are currently experiencing. I was going to make this post about the conclusions I came to, but as it turns out my search for answers lead me in some pretty dizzying circles. The search for Truth has been a bit of a roller coaster and I’m still on the ride. So instead of telling you how I found all the answers, I’d like to tell you about my journey and welcome you to come with me on this ride.
This year I was blessed to have been heavily involved in two different campus communities, Women’s Studies and the Christian community. I was an intern in the Women’s Studies office and a member of both Athletes InterVarsity and Ratio Christi. I have to generalize these groups to make a point, but please know that I understand that each individual who exists in these communities has different ideas and values and I respect each and every one of them. In fact, I can’t even express in words how much these people mean to me and I love them all.
Women’s Studies and the Christian communities have a lot in common. First of all, they both recognize the brokenness in the world. They see hatred and lies, they see people hurting and feel the pain of that, and they won’t be silent about it. The amount of love that just radiates from the spaces they occupy is inspiring. There is also this eagerness, a hunger for change and a strong sense of community that I don’t think I have experienced anywhere else. So, it was pretty natural that I would find myself drawn to both of these communities. However, I have found that where people start to clash is in their answers to this brokenness, to the question “How can we fix this?”. It is because of these different ideas that I began to feel unstable in my position and I had to figure out why. So, I decided to investigate. Where are these ideas coming from and if our hearts seem to be in the same place and we are looking at the same broken world, why do we sometimes come to very different conclusions? And how do we know who is right?
I began meeting with a mentor every week to press into some of these areas and was shocked by what I was hearing and not really by what was being said, but that I actually agreed with some viewpoints I had never fully grasped previously. I have grown a lot from those talks and from discussions I have had with people in both communities. I may not have found all the answers I was searching for yet, but I have found great value in listening. I am currently reading a book, The Lost Art of Listening, by Michael P Nichols, Ph.D. and what I have learned is how vital listening is. Being listened to even from a young age gives us a sense of self esteem and intrinsic worth, it makes us feel valued and appreciated which empowers us throughout our lives. I wonder if that’s why so many of us turn to social media for validation; maybe it’s a substitute for not being truly listened to in our own personal lives. Maybe that’s why we love to see posts and watch videos centered around things we have experienced, because they provide a sense of validation. Certainly there must be some value in this. However, I think it points out a lack of genuine face to face communication that needs to be addressed. My hypothesis is that as we depend more on social media for validation, it becomes more difficult to see contradictory or triggering things in these spaces, leading to explosive comment sections and a breakdown of constructive debate. Add this to the fact that social media companies want you to come away from their platforms feeling good so you will keep coming back for more, and you get polarizing confirmation bias. If you keep hearing the same message over and over again it may create this illusion that the majority agrees with you and cut you off from hearing the other side. This in turn may make the “other side” seem ignorant to disagree with you. However, you are seeing different information. You also come from different backgrounds and have had different experiences that have impacted you in different ways. At least that has been my personal experience and one of the reasons I was so shaken by what I was learning, because I guess I had never really heard all sides clearly.
So although I don’t have all the answers yet, and I probably never will, I learned some vital lessons this semester. The first was to talk to people. I love You Tube and Google and Ted Talks and books; but I found the best way to learn about deeply personal issues like abortion, gender, sexuality, religion, race, and politics is to talk to people directly. You can hear their stories and their individual experiences and you have the opportunity to ask questions and really get to the heart of the matter. However, talking to people is hard and listening is even harder so here are a few tips:
- Talk in a neutral setting where you are both comfortable (I love coffee shops even though I don’t like coffee, its a calm environment and they usually have pretty good pastry).
- Go in with an open mind. If you really want to understand, it is counterproductive to go into the conversation with the goal of changing the other person’s mind. Maybe they will once they hear what you have to say, but that shouldn’t be at the heart of the conversation.
- Take the time to clarify. Don’t automatically assume you know the other person’s position or that they know yours. Get on an even playing field from the start. For example, you might ask, “It is my understanding that you believe… is that correct?” And give them the chance to respond. You can turn it around too and ask, “What is it you think I believe?” Don’t interject if they are wrong, hear them out and then you can clarify afterwards. You may find that you don’t need to have a conversation after all. You can use this skill throughout the conversation as well. If they say something you disagree with, repeat what they said and tell them how you interpreted it so they can clarify if you misunderstood.
- Don’t interject with what one of my professors would call, “inarticulate expressions of incredulity”. No gasping or eye rolling or “seriously?”. Those are conversation stoppers and show a lack of respect for the other person.
- Read the cues. Know when the conversation is over and don’t drag it out. Chances are you won’t come to a nice agreement, but that doesn’t make the conversation any less valuable. The last thing you want to do is ruin your relationship with the other person. I personally think the best outcome with any conversation is to have the other person walk away feeling truly appreciated and listened to. Future conversations are likely to be much more positive this way.
The second thing I learned was to check my intake. What was I seeing on social media? What do my friend’s and professors and parents think and what are they telling me? Am I hearing various sides or am I a victim of confirmation bias? I then made a conscious effort to subscribe to people across a spectrum of ideas and to listen to them. This is really difficult to do and I am not great at it, but has been worth the effort for me.
I recommend the google extension PolitEcho (http://politecho.org/) which can give you an analysis of how polarizing your Facebook news feed is. Also, http://libraryguides.unh.edu/fakeandfilter (not sure if non-students can access this?)
Lastly, I give myself time to process. I let myself “live in the grey areas” so to speak and really grow and come to my own conclusions. Mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health are no joke. You have to take care of yourself too. I can’t tell you how many times I have just wanted to turn away and just forget about politics and go back to being blissfully unaware of the fact that there are no easy answers to anything anymore, but this is part of growing up and I push on through.
There is a certain level of privilege that comes with the ability to do what I have done this semester, as there is with most things in life. However, that doesn’t devalue what I am trying to say. I know not everyone has the time, education, or resources that I have had and I know some issues are more painful and personal to press into than others. That’s okay, I only wish for you to start where you are in any little ways you can to search for answers to the questions you face in a way that is respectful and open to hearing various points of view. That’s really what this post is about. How do we break out of the boxes society wants to put us in and look for answers on our own rather than just accept what we are being told?
Moses Supposes 